Making Love Work

The secret to keeping two lovers: divide up the duties

Linda Blair
Wednesday February 13, 2008

Guardian

Just imagine it. A younger lover to fulfil all your physical desires and another, more mature and settled partner to share your domestic bliss, even take delight in running the home and in raising your offspring. Doesn't that sound ideal?

Tilda Swinton, 47, who appeared at the Baftas on Sunday with artist Sandro Kopp, 29, recently said of her partner, 68-year-old director and artist John Byrne, "We ostensibly live in the same house, but I travel the world with another delightful painter. The arrangement is just so sane."

A moment's sober reflection brings you to the conclusion that "ideal" is exactly what this is. Surely, no one can be truly content to stay at home while their partner enjoys lust and leisure elsewhere? Surely, a stay-at-home partner must feel jealous?

Not according to Byrne, who has told reporters: "We're amicably living together in the same house, under the same roof. It's extraordinary. We love each other too, in an extraordinary way."

Human beings are remarkable for their diversity, and that includes the vast range of relationships we can create and maintain. And the most important ingredient in any relationship is a good matching of needs. That is, the sum total of everyone's needs must be met within the relationship. This is a rarity within any relationship - almost never does one person meet all the needs of their partner. Most of us either simply accept that some of our needs will go unmet, or we fulfil them - usually, the less controversial ones - outside our primary relationship.

But another way to resolve this mismatch is to fulfil some of your desires with one person, and the rest with someone else, ensuring that all parties are aware of, and happy with, this arrangement.

An important factor in a successful tripartite setup - as indeed in any more conventional relationship - is open and honest communication. Any secrets in this often delicate arrangement have the potential to create a sense of betrayal that can damage the relationship at least as much as the pain of jealousy. And speaking of jealousy, it has no place in a happy tripartite relationship. Jealousy is about possession, and not wanting to share.

In summary, then, for anyone thinking of entering into and maintaining a happy relationship with not just one but two others, I suggest that you begin by finding two individuals whose needs meet yours, and who don't feel jealous of one another. Once you have managed this feat, you'll need vast amounts of time and energy to keep things running smoothly. I leave it to you to decide whether it's worth the effort.

guardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media Limited 2008

Simple Solution

For reasons known only to herself, my greyhound occasionally pees on the carpet. Not ever day, not every week, but every now and again. It doesn't matter if she's been out for a walk or cooped up in the house. She pees on a patch of carpet near the front window then slinks off. I have yet to catch her doing this. Until then, I am left to clean up the mess. I searched the web and found recommendations for Simple Solution. I tried it yesterday, and although the patch isn't quite dry yet, it did seem to help. It picked up the old stains and took care of the odour. Fingers crossed it will lift the stain completely.

Shuttle Launch

Today marked the successful launch of the latest NASA shuttle. It's a bittersweet moment, because I saw the shuttle on the launchpad a few months ago in better times. Much has changed since then.

Roasted Vegetables

Stripped of my usual comforts, I have had a difficult few days adjusting to life on the South Beach diet. Yes, I feel more energetic. Yes, I am fizzing with vitamins, fibre and leafy goodness. But I miss the soft calm feeling that only carbs can bring.


Image: www.epicurious.com

Did She Have Some Work Done?

Is it just me, or does Kathy Bates look a little fresher? No one seems to have commented, but then it has been a busy week for gossip. And to be honest, we don't seem to care much as a culture about women who fail to conform to current beauty norms, i.e. young, can-tanned and filled with plastic. Loved her to death in Dolores Clairborne.

Photo: Wire Image

Late-Night Tequila Shots

While the bf dozes, I am still awake. Had a major anxiety attack for no apparent reason--other than the million things stressing me out right now. Why is it that when my head hits the pillow all my worries seem to float up to the surface? I'm sipping tequila out of a bar shot glass, hoping I can numb myself and get some sleep. We have an early morning flight tomorrow for Espana. To be honest, I would rather stay home and get some work done. It's supposed to be a b-day treat for my other; however, as he has made known in word and deed, it is not exactly what he'd hoped for. Tell me about it. I thought I would be married by now, and I'm still waiting for a fucking confirmation of that proposal received three years ago. Sigh . . .

Tragic but the tequila is easing the pain. Isn't that the first sign of alcoholism? Or is the seventh? I can't remember.

The Man I Love

I've been crushing on this man for years. He haunts my dreams. Or at least the characters he portrays on tv do. I'm not going to stalk the man. Yeesh.

Tropical Beauty

This Christmas, I spent my holidays in Florida. It was my first experience in a tropical setting and I must say it was a beautiful one. Having grown up facing harsh weather, I cannot believe the difference a little sun and sand make to one's appearance. I felt relaxed and confident. So far the bloom has lasted despite the rainy weather we've been having in the UK. Now that I've had a taste of the tropics, there's no stopping me.

Master Cleanse Cocktail

Post-holidays, I decided it was time to take action and go on a cleansing fast. I picked the lemonade diet, aka the master cleanse, since it was easiest. In order to help the cause, I cleaned out my fridge and cupboards. Long story short, I broke the fast with a pizza. My pantry being bare didn't leave too many options for aperitifs. Necessity being the mother of invention, I created the master cleanse cocktail. Here is the recipe. It's fucking kick-ass.

Juice from one freshly squeezed lemon
Equal parts maple syrup and plain vodka
Mix well and pour over ice

Photo: www.jupiterimages.com

Practical Princess

From The Times
January 5, 2008

The woman who remade Tamara Mellon's closets
Coolhunter mets the woman whom the Jimmy Choo creator says "changed my life". But can an organised closet mean a better life?
Organised knicker drawer

Tina Gaudoin

Practical Princess comes highly recommended. “She changed my life,” enthuses the elegant accessories tsar Tamara Mellon over pre-lunch drinks, But then if you had a wardrobe the size of Winchester, you might be glad of the help. “Oooh,” says the good-natured Mellon, “it’s not that large.” The girl beside her chokes on her champagne cocktail. “It’s not,” she shrieks. “It’s even bigger.”

Elika Gibbs, aka “the Practical Princess”, says she saw the future while toiling in the Mellon closets. “I thought, it actually doesn’t matter how big or how small your wardrobes are – we’re all busy, we all need organising.” How right she is. Lest you think this is another one of those fascist fashion columns (I’m guilty – I wrote one once) about how to chuck out all your clobber, it’s not. Gibbs doesn’t believe in diktats. “If you like it, then you keep it,” she says. “It’s how and where you keep it that counts.” She insists on seeing my wardrobes, which I gamely resist for about five minutes. “You must,” urges Mellon. “You have to experience the difference.”

Gibbs arrives early one Monday morning like a leggy blonde lurcher in a parka. She is all action. A deputy Practical Princess wades in behind her bearing boxes of Gibbs’s own coat hangers, shoe boxes, etc. My biggest issue with PP, other than the fact that I’ve had to chuck out a few really revolting things from my closet before she arrives, is that the majority of us cannot afford a wardrobe makeover – Gibbs charges £450 per day for her services. “Aha,” says Gibbs. “That’s where you are wrong.” Her website offers tips and insights into how to effect a sea change in your closet. “And you can buy the hangers, boxes and scented drawer liners – they are not expensive.” And with that PP goes to work.

A few hours later I return to a transformed wardrobe. Gibbs waves a massive bag of metal coat hangers at me. “These are the heroin of storage,” she exclaims. “They ruin everything.” Knickers line up like Coldstream Guards at the Palace; shoes are boxed. Later, she sends me pictures of the shoes via e-mail to print out and stick on (you can buy the software on her website). “It’s a matter of common sense,” says PP, who has organised my wardrobe into colours – all the black, navy, grey and brown dresses, cardigans and coats hang together. Gosh. Do I really not have any colour in there? “Well,” says Gibbs pragmatically, “I always say that once a wardrobe is organised, you can see what’s missing.”

The joy of PP is that not only can you see your clothes, but you can appreciate them. My honeymoon (now vintage) Louis Vuitton luggage peeks proudly from the top of the shelf. I hate to admit it, but Gibbs has changed my life, too. You could do a lot worse than going to www.practicalprincess.com and taking her advice… We all need a Practical Princess in our lives. I feel a TV series coming on.

coolhunter@thetimes.co.uk

Natural Instincts

Those of you who read Allure have already heard the rave reviews about this product. Let me add my voice to the chorus. I'm a reluctant at-home dyer, but after a few disappointing and overpriced experiences at the local salon, I decided to go it alone. Other products are smelly, messy and gloopy. This one is a pleasure to use. The colour covered those pesky greys and was an absolute delight to use. Unless I decide to go lighter, I see no reason to give up the at-home treatments.

Highly recommended!

Shaving Tips

I love the look and feel of smooth legs. But I hate most depilatories on the market. So you can understand why my heart skipped a beat when I went on Amazon and saw a banner ad promising to zap my legs hair free forever. I checked it out, but it looks like a gimmick.

Hate to say it, but the razor is the way. It's quick and convenient plus it does a nice job of exfoliating the skin. I was staying chez the bf and didn't have my gear with me. I borrowed his razor and discovered something even better than the Venus. The Mach III rocks. And a shout out to L'Occitane Cade After Shave Balm. It smells so yummy!

Ode to a Torso

Is there anything more attractive than the torso? It literally is the trunk of our body, connecting our head to our heart, our legs to our gut and our arms to ourselves. I'm a big fan of a fitted shirt, like this one from the gap. It looks so fresh, so young, so polished. With age or inactivity, our torsos disappear beneath a layer of fat and bloat. Reclaim the torso, relinquish the sugary snack. Be healthy! And, as an added bonus, belly fat is the easiest to lose. Or so says the author of South Beach Diet.

Facing Spring

What is it about spring? Hope starts rising and the sap starts running. The air feels delicious. Possibilities abound. After a long dirty winter, I feel reborn. Of course, this rebirth is facilitated in part by the following fab products.

Blistex Tint and Shine I found this in my local Super Drug a few months ago. I'd switched purses in the morning and forgotten to transfer all my essentials into the new bag. I picked this up on a whim and have bought two more since then so I'm never caught without it. The colour is very subtle but it perks up a pale face without looking too obvious. When applied, I find it tingles a bit. This may not be to the taste of all users, especially those with sensitive skin. My mother tried it after seeing it on me, and she said it did sting a bit. That said, it's the perfect thing to swipe across your lips for a little moisture and colour. Blistex has always been my default choice for lip care products. I always have a tub of MedPlus close to hand at home. Of all the brands available, I find Blistex is the least likely to cause irritation or create dependency issues. Some lip balms seem to suck all the moisture out of the lips, leaving the user desperate for one fix after another. The only quibble I have is with packaging, but for £2.25, it seems churlish to complain.

Clarins Moisture Quenching Hydra-Care Lotion
I picked this up at Easter whilst crossing the Channel. Sounds very glam, but if you've been on one of these ferries, you know the reality is quite different. Needless to say, the onboard shop was a bit of a scrum. What I was really looking for was the hydra-care serum. I'd read Hannah Betts rave in the Saturday Times edition. My skin is classic combination, but I was looking for something to cure the dry patches I get, quite literally, from the tracks of my tears. The bf can be quite a bastard sometimes. Unfortunately, the serum wasn't in stock so I picked up the lotion instead. Good thing too because it's been an absolute godsend. The stuff is genius. It's very light but soothing, leaving my skin feeling soft and fresh. It has an SPF 15 as well, which is better than nothing. For those of you with combo skin, you know how difficult it is to find a lotion that satisfies the dry patches without irritating the t-zone. The lotion is oil-free, which is probably why I haven't had any break outs. Highly recommended but I will have to revise my opinion as the weather gets warmer. Clarins has a nice range of products. I've recently made the switch from Clinique, and I'm very pleased with most of what I've tried. The Water Comfort one-step cleanser is very nice. I find the standard moisturizes a bit rich for my skin, but the sensitive line and hydra care are perfect. And I love that the Clarins staff is generous with free samples. I travel a lot, so the miniatures come in very handy.

Bobbi Brown Moisture Rich Foundation This woman is amazing. I know the overall aesthetic a bit retro--think 90's nude/no make-up make-up--but the product itself is genius. I've never had much success with foundation. Either the shade or the consistency is off. When I was a teenager, I didn't mind so much. Apart from the occasional spot, I had pretty amazing skin. Now I'm starting to get older and I need something to get the red out, ease over the rough patches and in general make me look the way a good night's sleep used to. Bobbi Brown's moisturizer does all this. I have turned into one of those women who needs to 'do her face' in the morning, but in a good way. You'll pay more for this than you would for a drug store brand, but it is worth it. The website seems to be up and running now. When I visited the counter at Selfridges, the staff were very helpful and quite kind in dealing with customers. They were very patient with two young tweens, sending them away with free samples.

Faux Fashion Wisdom

High-Waisted Trousers A bit of an obvious choice to start with, but hear me out. I think that, given the right fabric, cut and figure, high-waisted trousers can be very hot. Think navy jersey or crepe on a whippet thin body, and it's fresh but classic. It evokes the best of Chanel and early twentieth-century sportswear. The wrong cut and fabric, even on a 00 frame, can make the wearer look like she's swathed in diapers. So not hot.

Colour makes me squeamish. I know it's a good thing. The all-black wardrobe signals a lack of imagination rather than a surfeit of sophistication. But colour can look so cheap. Unless the fabric and style are spot-on, your fancy bright-coloured tunic can look like it came from the bargain bin rather than the boutique. Coloured leather makes me especially nervous. Yellow shoes look so nasty with a week's worth of city grime. I think colour works on the beach and at the weekend. In a silk or other fabulous material, it makes a great statement in the evening. As always with colour, choosing what flatters your skin rather than what's features on the racks will always keep you on the right side of fashion.


White Sunglasses I think this is a seriously awesome trend. Awesome as in fear-inducing. Fashion has been pretty safe for a long time. Now with the whole retro 80's vibe going we're finally starting to see some bold statements. Some work and some don't. White sunglasses work for about .99999 % of the population. The rest of us will be cringing every time we see our digi snaps from the summer of 2006. Speaking of sunglasses, I find the whole oversized vibe fascinating. Like big bags and even bigger coffee cups, this trend seems to exist for one reason only. And that's to make the girl-child wearing or carrying them look even smaller.

Leggings I wore these the first time round, so this trend is pretty tired for me. I had great pair of vintage stirrup pants that belonged to my mother. I think that look rocked pretty hard. What I hate most about leggings is the singular lack of imagination they show. And the fact that they look pretty rubbish. Plus if they're not made from breathable material, they can give you thrush, which is never fashion forward.

Fur We knew this one had to come back. I grew up in Canada, where it's seriously cold for half of the year. When I was a teenager, I went through a kick of buying vintage furs. Persian lamb was my absolute favourite. I wore it with leggings and loafers, which sounds tragic, but made me feel pretty wicked cool at the time. With my sunglasses and cigarettes, I seriously felt like I was channelling the best of Edie Sedgwick. Ah. Good times. I have a number of objections to fur, some ethical others aesthetic. For one, I think you need to live somewhere sub-zero before you can even contemplate a fur coat. Second, you need to be an uber-woman. Britney, Mary-Kate Ashley, et al, look like little kids playing dress up. They're just not femme enough to pull it off. If you're going to wear fur, your bod needs to be seriously lush. I doubt any of those girls have enough body fat to menstruate regularly.

Black Silk Cardigan

It's starting to feel like summer, but the evenings are a bit chilly. I've been hunting for a black silk cardigan, and I haven't been able to find anything. Even reduced to searching on ebay and found a bunch of random overpriced designer stuff. One woman is selling all of this allegedly top-end merch for half price. I don't think ebay is the place to unload Alexander McQueen. Anyway, it's such a drag to have to struggle to find simple pieces like this.

French Connection

Went to France for Easter and expected to find great deals on cosmetics. Not the case. Clarins et al was the same price or even more. What gives? I thought that the French had sorted out the price?

From The Times | March 15, 2006
Perfume cartel fined £32m | Leading cosmetics companies & distributors adopted heavy-handed tactics to keep prices high

By Adam Sage

THEY are among the most famous names in cosmetics, linked with elegance, refinement and romance, enveloped in the enticing smell of luxury.

Yesterday an altogether more unpleasant odour clung to the world’s biggest manufacturers of perfume and make-up after a damning report of their commercial practices in France. They were denounced by the French antitrust authority for colluding in maintaining high prices to the detriment of consumers.

At the end of an extensive inquiry, the French Competition Council fined 13 of the leading brands in the global cosmetics industry and 3 of their French distribution chains a total of €46.2 million (£32 million) for price fixing.

In its ruling, the council said that the manufacturers had adopted heavy-handed methods to force up prices and stamp out discounts for well-known perfumes and make-up.

Among the famous names denounced in the ruling were L’Oréal, which was fined €4.1 million; Chanel, €3 million; Christian Dior, €2.2 million; Yves Saint Laurent, €1.8 million; Guerlain, €1.7 million; and Elco, which markets Clinique and Estée Lauder, € 1.6 million.

Three French distribution chains were also condemned for colluding in the price-fixing arrangements. They were Marionnaud, bought last year by the A S Watson group, which was fined €12.8 million; LVMH’s chain, Sephora, fined €9.4 million; and the privately owned retailer Nocibé, fined €6.2 million. LVMH, which also owns four of the perfume brands fined by the council — Christian Dior, Guerlain, Givenchy and Kenzo — said that it would appeal. In a statement, the antitrust authority said: “Each of these brands agreed with its distributors that each product should be sold in the shops at the same price, effectively eliminating any possibility of competition between sales points.

“Each agreement was accompanied by the creation of a price police, consisting of controls on the prices practised, pressures and threats of commercial reprisals against distributors who refused to apply the prices imposed by the brand.”

The council said that cosmetics manufacturers had argued that they needed to maintain prices to defend their “image of luxury”. But it continued: “This absence of competition . . . enabled all of them to increase and then share out the surplus obtained to the detriment of the consumer.” The council’s 133-page report detailed the evidence accumulated during its investigation into price fixing between 1997 and 2000.

It said that cosmetics manufacturers had sent letters to distributors complaining of “abnormally low prices”, and threatening vendors that refused to increase prices with “delivery delays” and “repeated errors”. Other vendors were told that deliveries would be stopped altogether. One shop complained of “insidious” pressure, with frequent spot checks on prices. A shop in Lyons is quoted as saying of Christian Dior: “The threats were clear. If we sold for more than 10 per cent under the recommended price, Dior would cut the brand out.”

An internal memo at Chanel about a discount sale in Paris said that the company’s legal department was furious and advised “frightening” shopowners. Another internal note at Thierry Mugler perfumes said that the price of a 100ml bottle had been fixed at Fr590 — about £59. “This price, being unofficial, must never be stated on any document or letter from our company. It must only be communicated orally.” Yves Saint Laurent contacted a perfume distributor to complain about its low prices. “After a telephone conversation, the customer has agreed to eliminate all discounts,” a company memo said.

In cases affecting British consumers, the Office of Fair Trading has the power to punish companies that exhibit anti-competitive behaviour. It can impose sanctions or apply for the disqualification of directors. Where it thinks there is a danger to competition, it will refer the merger or industry to the Competition Commission.

backlash

Is it just me or is anyone else fed up with monster mascara? I reached the breaking point a few weeks ago when a misfire with Lancome Fatale left me looking like I'd just suffered a fatal blow. And if I'm honest, even at the best of times, under ideal application conditions, these lengthening mascaras have a tendency to clump like a country cousin going up stairs. So I picked up a tube of Great Lash by Maybelline at Boots and am loving the low-key look. As a bonus, it's much easier to take off at night.

Pleather

Whilst under the influence of this week's spring-like weather, I picked up a new handbag. It's a lovely light brown item made from pleather. Very ethical, very light, very nice. But very, very slippery. Unlike its counterpart, pleather blissfully slides off the shoulder, slips off the lap and in general shimmies all over the place. It's kind of annoying.

Singapore Sling: The Original Alcopop

Am stuck in the hellacious midlands on a work-related jaunt. Hotel room is beyond grim, so I stopped at the local M&S for a little light refreshment. The shop had run out of my first choice--g & t (nasty but nice once you knock back your second)--so I plumped for a Singapore Sling instead. I'm on my second and it tastes pretty delish. But if I'm brutally honest, it is a bit of a chemical cocktail, literally!

Wiki tells me the drink was created in the early 20th Century at Raffles Hotel in Singapore. I kind of knew that somewhere in the deep dark drink-related recesses of my mind. I love this pic I purloined from the net--very art deco. Am feeling somewhat soft-angled at the moment. Should move from the couch to the bed in case I pass out. But first, a toast to Charlotte Church and Gavin whatisname, aka Mr. Scrummy. May their child be fortunate and fair!