Making Love Work

The secret to keeping two lovers: divide up the duties

Linda Blair
Wednesday February 13, 2008

Guardian

Just imagine it. A younger lover to fulfil all your physical desires and another, more mature and settled partner to share your domestic bliss, even take delight in running the home and in raising your offspring. Doesn't that sound ideal?

Tilda Swinton, 47, who appeared at the Baftas on Sunday with artist Sandro Kopp, 29, recently said of her partner, 68-year-old director and artist John Byrne, "We ostensibly live in the same house, but I travel the world with another delightful painter. The arrangement is just so sane."

A moment's sober reflection brings you to the conclusion that "ideal" is exactly what this is. Surely, no one can be truly content to stay at home while their partner enjoys lust and leisure elsewhere? Surely, a stay-at-home partner must feel jealous?

Not according to Byrne, who has told reporters: "We're amicably living together in the same house, under the same roof. It's extraordinary. We love each other too, in an extraordinary way."

Human beings are remarkable for their diversity, and that includes the vast range of relationships we can create and maintain. And the most important ingredient in any relationship is a good matching of needs. That is, the sum total of everyone's needs must be met within the relationship. This is a rarity within any relationship - almost never does one person meet all the needs of their partner. Most of us either simply accept that some of our needs will go unmet, or we fulfil them - usually, the less controversial ones - outside our primary relationship.

But another way to resolve this mismatch is to fulfil some of your desires with one person, and the rest with someone else, ensuring that all parties are aware of, and happy with, this arrangement.

An important factor in a successful tripartite setup - as indeed in any more conventional relationship - is open and honest communication. Any secrets in this often delicate arrangement have the potential to create a sense of betrayal that can damage the relationship at least as much as the pain of jealousy. And speaking of jealousy, it has no place in a happy tripartite relationship. Jealousy is about possession, and not wanting to share.

In summary, then, for anyone thinking of entering into and maintaining a happy relationship with not just one but two others, I suggest that you begin by finding two individuals whose needs meet yours, and who don't feel jealous of one another. Once you have managed this feat, you'll need vast amounts of time and energy to keep things running smoothly. I leave it to you to decide whether it's worth the effort.

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